It's really tough when you realize that you're the person that no one checks up on. Normally, this happens when you're the "strong" one in your relationships. People usually think that you have it together because when they look at you, there's no visible chaos. If there's no chaos, then you have no problems and they don't need to worry about you...right?
Are you the listener or the fixer? Maybe both? If you're reading this post, it's very likely that you're a magnet for peers who are in distress or have a problem they need fixing. Generally, others seek you because you can offer something that will benefit them in some shape or form.
Recognizing that no one checks in on you as often as you'd like takes a toll on you emotionally. It is painful and dark. You feel alone. And this sucks.
When realizing that no one checks on you, know when you're feeling alone. First, check in with yourself before expecting others to do it. Work through your disappointment when others don't show up. Learn your needs and communicate clearly so that others can help. Sometimes people don't know that you need them. Invest your energy and time with those who listen to you in your most vulnerable state. Not everyone can be in a supportive role so know who they are and who to go to based on life events.
This page contains affiliate links. As an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases. If you choose to purchase after clicking a link, I may receive a commission at no extra cost to you.
Recognizing When You're Feeling Lonely or Alone
Seeking or wanting someone to check in on you generally means that there is a need for support. This could be because you have a lot going on and your world is unbalanced. It could be because you're feeling disconnected. It could be because you're living under very difficult circumstances but don't have an outlet.
Whatever the reason is, the feeling of wanting to be cared for is there. As social beings, we need an emotional connection. Acknowledging that you need someone in your life means you need that support.
The challenge with emotional support systems is the expectation that we must rely on others to feel better about ourselves. While having a strong emotional support system through friends and loved ones is essential and strongly recommended, we fail to realize that emotional support needs to start from within first.
When you feel lonely or alone, take this as a clue that a self-check-in is due on your part first before expecting anyone else to do it for you. This is important because as listeners and fixers, we're used to being on the other side but we don't know how to support ourselves in times of need.
A self-check-in can be having a conversation with your inner self out loud or quietly. Reflective journaling can also be a great exercise to enhance your self-awareness about what is happening to you on an emotional and mental level.
Check out these journals that you could use to start practicing self-check-ins!
Working Through the Disappointment of No one Checking On You
As part of the process, it's very natural to feel resentment towards others whom you expect to give you the same level of attention and care that you give them. You might stop reaching out to people around you to "test" them and see if they notice that you're not around. Only to come to the realization of zero calls, zero texts and an ocean of loneliness quotes you find online.
Be wary. One thing to take into account is, did you ever ask for your peers to check in on you? Or, did you just assume that they would do it because you've made the choice to be in this supportive role in their lives?
Choice. Being the listener and fixer was a choice you made. It is very likely that no one asked you. And that's okay. It feels good to be someone else's support system. It feels good to make an impact in someone else's life.
But ask yourself, do your peers even know that you need this expectation from them? Have you explicitly communicated that to them? Or... are you giving them that expectation without them even knowing it?
It's definitely a humbling moment when you have to swallow your pride and come to terms that no one forced you to be the listener or fixer. You took it upon yourself. And naturally, as social beings, your peers who value you...will take it.
It's also a learning experience to realize that perhaps your need of them to show up for you in moments of "silence" was never communicated to them. Your peers cannot comfort you when they don't know that you need comfort. They simply don't know what they don't know.
Reflection and communication are crucial when working through the feeling of disappointment. It's easier to point the finger at someone else without acknowledging and taking accountability for the lack of communication of your needs and expectations in your relationships.
Before testing anyone or cutting people off because they didn't notice you were gone, reflect if your peers are aware. Communicate your needs and how they can help. If they truly care for you, they'll listen and do their best to give you emotional support. Give them the opportunity to succeed in their relationship with you before putting them in a position where they're destined to fail without even knowing.
Keep in mind, that allowing them the opportunity to learn how to support you also means trial and error on their end if they're not used to providing you with this kind of support. Some people who love you may have internal challenges expressing their care. Not to mention, communicating effectively is a skill that many people struggle with.
Again, you have the choice to work through this challenge as part of your agreement to be in a relationship with these kinds of peers.
Define Your Needs and Let It Be Known In Your Relationships
To have an emotional support system and feel supported, you need to identify what is it exactly that you need from others.
Do you need a call or text?
Do you need to go out for brunch or to have a drink?
Do you need someone to hang with you in the same room but in silence?
Do you need a hug?
How often?
When?
How will they know?
Identify what your needs are and how others can support you. You can't simply expect others to know what you want or need as part of your support system if you don't communicate. They can't read your mind. They're not magicians.
Communicate clearly your expectations and needs in every relationship. This is how you can begin establishing a "give and receive" dynamic between you and your peers.
Invest Your Time And Energy to Those Who Listen
After you've identified and communicated clearly what you need from your peers and your relationships, pay attention.
Learn who listened to your needs and who did not. For those who did not, learn the "why" behind their actions.
Was it intentional?
Was there a gap in communication or expectations on your end?
Practice self-awareness and be ready to self-regulate before cutting ties or setting boundaries. Knowing where your relationships stand in terms of your needs and emotional support.
This will give you clarity on whether you should be investing your time and energy in those relationships or with peers.
Invest your time and energy in those who are willing to listen to you at your most vulnerable state. While it is true that most of the time those who truly care for you may be completely unaware that you need their support, there is also the reality that few of them may not care to invest in a genuinely intimate relationship with you.
Intimacy does not mean sexually or sensually in this context. Intimacy relates to your ability and willingness to be in a very vulnerable position with someone else and that other person is able to cater to your needs at any given time (and vice versa). Intimacy exists in romantic relationships and also in platonic ones.
Create Boundaries When Needed and Tighten Your Circle
Not everyone is right for you. If someone is not giving you the support that you need, do you need them in your circle?
Can you consider them as part of your emotional support system? Are they useful for a specific type of check-in or must everyone fit into a one-size fits all expectation?
Know that people in your circle are all different. Emotional support comes in all sizes and energies. One person's energy may be appropriate for your emotional support on a specific occasion but another person might be it for another scenario.
Know your peers and use them as resources appropriately. Not everyone is made to fit into a one-size fits all supportive role. Create healthy boundaries based on your emotional needs.
Learn to know who to go to for specific events in your life. If Lucy is the go-to person to hype you up about getting productive on a very gloomy day and Jose is your go-to person to open up about your spiritual journey on "what is my purpose?", don't expect for Lucy to give you the same level of support that Jose can naturally give you based on his strengths and interests as a person. Lucy might not be able to relate and therefore, is incapable of being there for you in your spiritual awakening.
Create balance with your peers and tighten your circle based on their strengths with respect to your relationship with them and your needs as a person.
And lastly...
Remember that you are loved and Sprinkle of Care is here for you if you need it. We believe in you and support you always.
Comments