Have you looked at yourself in the mirror and mentally told yourself that you’re not happy because you’re not where you wish to be?
Frustration can definitely kill motivation and any hopes or dreams we have for ourselves. In this dark moment, our minds get lost in everything that could be better… but isn’t. Later leaving us with the bitter aftermath of feeling stuck and not knowing how to get out of it.
We’re not alone in this personal darkness. Many of us are quick to point out dissatisfaction in our careers, our lack of living “life” to the fullest, not spending enough time with our loved ones, not owning the home of our dreams, etc. Essentially, not having a ‘stress-free’ life. And the list keeps adding on and on.
It’s rather contagious and debilitating. When we come to terms that our lives are far less than how we envisioned it in the past, we get stuck in a mindset of despair. All while knowing that perfection doesn’t even exist.
Most of the time, the feeling of failure stems from being criticized, discouraged or compared to someone else in the past, usually from family members or peers. Some examples that you may find familiar are:
An authoritative figure who was very critical of you while growing up, usually putting you down.
Being compared to someone who was high-achieving but never able to measure up.
No one cared about your success or didn’t believe in you.
Feeling different from others because your culture was different or you had less.
If you can relate to any of these, you may be putting yourself in situations where you may self-inflict and relive past emotional traumas without even realizing it.
To recover from the feeling of failure, you should be aware of when you're limiting yourself of opportunities, know what you want and don't sell yourself short. Limiting opportunities can come from the anxiety of self-doubt. Recognize when procrastination is a coping mechanism for avoidance. Discover concretely what failure and success mean on every goal.
Recognize When You’re Avoiding An Opportunity
Many times we put limits on ourselves more than the hardship of life. Take a moment and think for yourself how many times you were most likely given an opportunity but you’ve set it aside because it was going to challenge you.
Why did you set it aside? What was truly challenging about it?
When we put an opportunity aside because the process of getting momentum seems hard, it’s easier to run away or not take any action. in our minds, doing nothing means you won’t fail. But have you even defined what failure even means to you?
Stop undermining your ability to move forward. The more you avoid, the less likely it will be for you to allow yourself to progress in the personal goals you would like to achieve. It’s a choice you’re making with yourself.
Procrastination is an example of avoidance that I typically see in everyday life. I usually see procrastination manifesting itself when there’s something we need to do and it stresses us out so much that we avoid doing the task just to cope with the stress. The main backfire is that we don’t stop thinking about the task that we need to do and stress even more until it’s actually done.
Other times we prefer to downplay what we wish to do because it’s easier than putting ourselves in an uncomfortable position.
Here’s some issues with avoiding what you really want to do for yourself:
It creates more anxiety
It triggers more stress because you’re not getting things done or progressing, hence still making you feel like a failure
You might be unknowingly annoying those who truly believe in you and hurting your support system
Avoidance can be a vicious cycle and it’s better to be aware of when it’s happening so that you can re-steer yourself away from that direction. Some points to truly think about:
What is it that you want for yourself?
Is what you want truly feasible?
What’s scaring you from doing it?
How do you define failure and success for this thing that you want so bad?
What Is It That You Want for Yourself?
When you’re thinking about what you truly want, this isn’t the moment to limit yourself. Be honest with yourself and allow yourself the opportunity to feel and want guiltlessly. If you’re the type to put others first before yourself, this first question can be very hard to answer.
Know that you are worth it. Stop limiting your desires and dreams when answering “What do I want?”
And if you don’t know what that is, then this is the point where you need to start to work on yourself. Learn about your values and what you want for yourself in relation to those values.
All while being mindful that not knowing what you truly want is different from deep down knowing but feeling too guilty to come to terms with it for whatever reasons. Know the difference.
If it’s guilt, reflect. Where is it coming from? How is this sense of guilt affecting you in other areas of your life? And most importantly, is it guilt that others are inflicting onto you or is it you putting it on yourself?
Do the work to know where your feelings are coming from and start being honest with yourself.
Is What You Want Truly Feasible?
Goals and desires come in different sizes. You don’t need to limit yourself but you do need to be realistic in setting goals that are attainable for the specific stage in your life that you’re in.
Think about the steps you need to take between your starting point and your endpoint. Not every goal is feasible with a huge leap. It takes steps and it takes time.
Work on one step at a time. Look at each step as a mini-goal. You’d be surprised at how amazing you can feel about yourself when you’ve completed 10 mini-goals of a 15 mini-goal journey rather than seeing this huge goal you have for yourself, knowing that you’ve been putting in the work but have not yet seen the finish line.
Don’t be afraid to do 1% a day or a week, depending on what you can afford to give at that point in time. Some of us really don’t have it in us to start a journey with 100% momentum and that’s okay.
The point is to start regardless of where you’re at and stop feeling guilty that you’re lacking the rest to be at that 100%. At least you’re giving something that you weren’t before and that’s what you need to focus on.
1% over time makes up a hell of a lot more than you'd think. You’re using minimal energy to survive the rest of your day or week.
What’s Scaring You From Doing It?
Sometimes it’s not about working on defining what we want but rather dissecting what’s keeping us from doing it. Personal dreams are tucked away a lot of the time because we’re scared. Because we have the potential to fail ourselves and others who are motivating us to be better in the first place.
Failing ourselves and others is an invitation towards resentment and feeling worthless.
Even though this is the ugly part of being real with yourself, it is a necessary evil. Really, it’s a blessing in disguise.
Learning about what is scaring you along the process gives you the ability to see personal weaknesses or discover fears from different angles that may be affecting you in other areas of your life.
No one likes to talk about fear. Fear is a weakness and you have to put yourself in a vulnerable state to acknowledge it. But vulnerability is very powerful in the sense that it opens up a new level of humbleness within you and elevates your personal integrity.
So, identify what scares you each step of the way and look into how you can go about moving through the fear. When you push past it, you will find a sense of relief on your shoulders and you will discover a new strength that you probably didn’t know you already had within you.
How To Define Failure And Success
Now that you’ve been doing some shadow work for yourself, that is, uncovering the dark areas that you’ve been putting on the back-burner, you need to define what failure truly means at every step of your journey.
The reason this is so important is that we have the tendency to feel like failures without truly defining what failure means to us. We know failure as a feeling but what exactly is it for the purpose of achieving that thing you’ve been wanting? What is success for the purpose of achieving that thing you’ve been wanting?
Being descriptive and concrete about what failure and success means at every mini-goal is crucial. Our brains are very complex organs that control how we process our thoughts and feelings. If you have a habit of downplaying yourself or the things you do, you may be downplaying a true accomplishment.
For every identified failure, there should be a success that comes with it. Think of ying and yang. Also, keep in mind that failure and success should be measurable with respect to the level of effort that you're putting into.
For example, if you know that your effort will be at that 1 to 5 percent mark, make sure that your failure and success match that effort. Otherwise, you may be doing yourself a disservice by setting unrealistic expectations along the way.
Take this knowledge and start feeling like a winner you strong sexy ma.
Invest in yourself. You're worth it.
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