So you’re falling short of what you’ve intended to do. Now what?
When we create certain goals or plans, we tend to be very hard on ourselves at how we go about carrying out those intentions.
And when we don’t meet our expectations of successfully achieving what we planned to do, SPLAT, our self-confidence falls like a yummy ice cream scoop that slid off the cone you’ve been craving all day during that hot summer day.
When we fail to do what we planned for ourselves, we guilt ourselves into thinking that:
We’re not good enough...
We’re not disciplined enough...
We’re not productive enough...
And the list can go on and on. The longer the list, the more frustrating it gets...and the more disappointed we become in ourselves. It’s even worse when someone else validates our failures.
It’s so daunting to hope so many great things for yourself and starting out with such great energy to then realize that nothing happened just the way you expected it to.
Constant failure. Every...single...time (for the most part).
But aside from feeling angry at yourself… What exactly are you doing to get back on track?
How are you overcoming feelings of self-disappointment?
I hope that the following techniques will help you push through discomforting feelings when you have to be your own cheerleader or mascot.
Tip #1 Setting a feasible process
Many of our failures happen because we didn’t build a realistic process for achieving our plans. Sometimes a process isn’t even part of our thoughts, especially when a goal seems “small”.
No matter how small the journey, it’s always a good idea to have a process in place to help you reach the end.
I personally enjoy setting step by step plans to gauge if I’m making progress. Sometimes the process takes one step, sometimes ten.
Whatever it is, make sure that you’re allowing enough room to accommodate the ‘process’. This also means that you need to think about (and be conscious) of the timeline that will need to take place to make ‘it’ happen.
It’s our human nature to be greedy. Most of us want and expect instant gratification as well as results. However, not all plans or goals allow the opportunity to rush the process.
Be sure to identify if your specific plan or goal is one that needs to be nurtured rather than rushed. Accepting that a plan needs extra love and care will allow you to be more realistic of the journey; hence, reducing the possibility of disappointment and failure along the road.
Tip #2 Increase Self-Awareness by Learning the Hints
Self-awareness is instrumental in building emotional intelligence, that is, your ability to be fully aware of your feelings and in control of how those feelings impact everything else around you.
It is also key in learning more about why you’re getting disappointed and not following through with your intentions.
Think about the plans you’ve set out for yourself and why they haven’t come to fruition. Feel the ‘things’...feel everything. What are you feeling?
Your emotions hint at the standards that you’ve set for yourself. When you don’t meet your expectations, whether or not they’re realistic, your body will react with specific feelings.
Listen to your feelings and reflect on your personal expectations. Identify each feeling. The stronger the feeling, the higher the standard usually tends to be.
Many times when we’re not succeeding it’s because we don’t have realistic standards. We all have standards all the time, and most of the time, we know deep down they’re not truly feasible for the specific stage we’re in our lives. But we’re hopeful.
And through wishful thinking, we do a wonderful job at ignoring the fact that we know our expectations are stretched yet convince ourselves otherwise.
When we fail, instead of accepting that we aimed for more than we can handle, we label ourselves as the failure.
Therefore, training mindset to be more critical on what is the step that has not worked versus getting stuck on triggering emotions is essential to get unstuck in the process.
We’re not failures, we just need to tweak the process.
When you allow yourself to learn emotional ‘hints’, it’s important to not fight what you discover along the way. Take your emotions from the previous tip and allow them to coincide with you.
Give yourself the opportunity to not fight the urge to push your feelings away. When you do not refrain from fighting the urge, you’re reinforcing the trained notion that you’re the failure, not the process (which is untrue).
Instead of wishing that you didn’t have those feelings or tucking them deep down, allow yourself to be present with them. What vibes do those feelings give off? Does it feed the fuel? Does it tone down the fire to keep going?
Take a moment to nurture yourself when you’re not feeling the greatest. If a friend comes to you and feels really down because something didn’t plan out as they wished, are you likely to comfort them or condemn them?
Truth is, you’re more likely to show compassion for your friend and try to make them feel better, So why not have compassion for yourself?
You deserve compassion just like everyone else. Show yourself some love and give yourself comforting but motivating words. Remember to be your personal motivator because at the end of the day, your plans and your goals are no one else’s.
Nurture your mindset (and soul) in order to nurture your needs and goals. To do so, switch the way you are speaking about yourself in terms of your progress.
Instead of “I suck at xyz”, which leads you to feeling more or less like a failure, say “I’ve tried abc and learned that x works, y needs improvement, and z did not work for my needs”. See what’s happening?
Rather than telling yourself that you had this plan and still have not been successful at bringing it to fruition, you’re telling yourself that you have begun a process and this is the progress thus far.
The process (and progress) is not going to be perfect and that’s just alright. What’s important in this process is that you recognize that you still have done quite a few steps at trying to get ‘it’ done. Sure it’s not perfect and you have not reached the end point yet, but your intentions are there and the progress is noticed.
By allowing yourself to see your progress, meaning everything IN BETWEEN the starting point and the end mark, you’re caring for yourself, striving for improvement and, most importantly, making an effort.
Give recognition to where it is due in the present moment, especially if it is you. Ask yourself, which completed steps are you grateful for?
When identifying those steps, you’re achieving self-awareness (tip #2) about the process you’re in (tip#1) so that you can begin to work with curiosity and tweak along the way (tip #4).
Tip # 4 Tweak through Curiosity
Rather than maintaining a fixed mindset that certain steps have to be carried out in a specific manner, increase your curiosity. When you start a new job, a new school, or a new relationship, do you know how it’s going to go?
Of course not! There’s no way to tell what your future is going to look like in particular situations (unless you have a sixth sense and have special gifts...which most of us don’t have).
However, when faced with a new event, you still have to take the risk and explore how your journey will go.
When you don’t like the way it’s going, you will either suffer a bit in silence or through ranting until you realize you can’t anymore and start turning gears slowly... OR…
Say, “uh-uh...this ain’t working for me” and turn gears.
Either way, you’re going to turn gears.
With this in mind, trial and error is, in fact, a powerful tool to have at your disposal.
Be curious about the possibilities that you don’t know and learn through your experience to see what’s working along the way to make ‘it’ happen.
When something isn’t working, terrific! You have learned and discovered that moving forward with that particular step is not feasible for your intended journey. Pat yourself in the back because now you have one less item in your path that you have to worry about.
Keep it moving.
Tip # 5 Disappointment Will Never Be Eliminated
Disappointment will come for you. Let me say it again…
If disappointment were a person, it is persistent, stubborn and determined.
At some point in your planning, you will let your guard down and fail to live up to your expectations. This, in turn, will lead towards frustration and disappointment, again.
This is because as you’re digesting the tips I am sharing with you, you will unintentionally lean towards trying to be perfect at trying to be in the present and/or controlling the process.
But, again, perfection does not exist. Trial and error, however, does.
You will have to remind yourself that you will need to keep pushing and continue to see what works versus what doesn’t when you notice your disappointment spiking up.
Calibrate your mind and soul.
Pause and remind yourself to be curious in order to continue to evolve in the moment. Give gratitude to what you’ve learned and revisit your progress (what have you done so far along the way).
Feel all the emotions but be constructive once you’ve allowed yourself to be present with them. Do not get stuck dwelling. Get back to the drawing board, eliminate what didn’t work and grab on to another step.
Invest in yourself, you’re worth it.
Conclusion:
This blog shares 5 tips on how to overcome self-disappointment productively when your plans and/or goals do not go the way you’ve intended them to. Disappointment is inevitable but allowing yourself to create a feasible process where you can see your progress will increase self-awareness about where you’re at in your journey. Furthermore, it will allow you to gain curiosity so that you can adjust your journey according to your needs.
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