6 Ways to Break Self-Doubt

If you could get a dollar for every moment that you’ve doubted yourself, how wealthy would you be?

If your answer is most likely enough to own a home in a beautiful private tropical island and your own yacht, then babe, this blog is for you!

I’d like to offer a term that I learned about a few years back and have adopted it for my own sanity --- it’s called fuck bucks.

I learned this valuable term back in 2018 when I came across Sarah Knight’s TED Talk about the Magic of Not Giving a Fuck and trust me when I tell you, I’ve switch most of my “currency” from fear pennies to major fuck bucks on most areas of my life.

What are Fuck Bucks?

In her analogy, your fuck bucks are time, money, and energy. In this post, I want to focus on the energy component of the fuck buck account because I think many of us spend our energy in areas that are not beneficial for our well-being or goals.

If you are spending way too much energy on other things or people rather than yourself, then you really need to pay attention to the tips I’m about to share with you. No one likes a bully and I am sure that if you are reading this, you are being bullied by your own self-doubts.

I will help you with some tips that have personally helped me become the person I am today. From my mentoring experience, these tips will truly shape you IF you are honest with yourself and actually go through with them without excuses.

How Socioeconomic Status Shapes Self Doubt

So that you can understand how self-doubt came into my life, let me share a little bit about my background. I am a darker skinned Latina mother who was brought up in the United States. I lived in lower socioeconomic neighborhoods because that is all that my parents could afford. Our household of 4 had a combined income of less than $45k.

This being said, my frugal lifestyle has never been a choice, which is one aspect that some people can’t even relate to. Now, let me be clear… I’ve never lacked anything and I was blessed with beautiful parents as well as a wonderful childhood. But I didn’t know how much my upbringing would start haunting me when I hit college and met other people who had higher socioeconomic statuses than me.

Socioeconomic status comparisons with a “I lacked this..” mentality can definitely bring many internal insecurities as well as become crippling when you are trying to hop from one socioeconomic level to a higher one. At some point, I felt that I LACKED in many areas of my life when in fact my parents gave me the RICHES that many truly do lack -- love, determination and grit.

I carried these insecurities on my back when starting out my professional career and it crippled my ability to succeed tremendously. I feared putting myself out there. I feared speaking to people. I feared that I was inferior to people in my organization who were of higher leadership statuses than me.

If you feel like you can relate….how’s that weight on your back doing?

I was a prisoner of my own self-doubt for YEARS. So much so that this weight I carried on my back leaked into my personal life. It kept me from building personal relationships with good people trying to enter my life. I actually had to hit rock bottom in my personal life to realize how much self-doubt had shaped me into the person I did not want to be.

So I shifted my insecurities for ME. I challenged myself and adjusted the way I saw and carried myself. And no, it’s not easy but you’re worth it. Invest in yourself.

Here are the habits I adopted for my sanity and personal growth.

#1 Trust your personal values

When you know your personal values and what’s important to you, it’s easier to stand your ground and make decisions that align with your core beliefs. If you are unsure of your core values, I recommend spending some time learning about what matters to you because it will help you create a path of success.

The presence of self-doubt clouds judgment and, in turn, clouds your ability to make important decisions that impact your future. Knowing your personal values also builds your character and personal brand. It allows you to be YOU rather than fitting in someone else’s shoes.

Not to mention, values are important in the professional world if this is the area that you’re trying to grow within. As a hiring manager, I seek candidates who fit the business’s culture and whose beliefs align with the business’s core values.

This is more important to me because if a company has the resources available, managers can invest time in training for the required skills but one cannot train someone to share the same values as the business. Sharing the same values increases the likelihood of the candidate working well with the team and blends into the business culture. If you fit, you will most likely stay longer.

The same concept applies to personal relationships. The more you share similar values with a friend or a loved one, the higher likelihood that you will relate to and support one another. This dynamic is what influences bonding in any relationship as well as how long such bonding can last.

#2 Raise your emotional intelligence

Emotional intelligence (EI) is a powerful confidence booster tool that even the professional world is polishing on. It’s your ability to be self-aware of your own emotions and manage it in constructive ways to overcome social challenges and conflicts.

EI is essential in personal development because it allows you to be conscious of your thoughts, feelings and your role in whatever situation you are facing. When dealing with self-doubt, emotions can manifest consciously and unconsciously. If you are not sure how to identify and handle your emotions in a particular situation, you are at risk of vomiting feelings to others that you may not even know they existed.

What is emotional vomiting purging?

Emotional vomiting occurs as a result of internalizing feelings for too long to the point that your body can’t handle it anymore. If you are not in control of your feelings or become aware of what those feelings mean, your body will purge and it may not be pretty.

Emotional purging symptoms may include getting mad at the world, pointing the blame at others, rambling nonsense, inflicting hurtful words onto others, becoming rude with your mannerisms, etc. The symptom list goes on depending on your personality.

The worst part of emotional purging is that you may not even be aware of how your emotions have taken control of you. The more you can control your feelings, validate them and express them in a constructive manner, the better you can communicate and empathize with others to relieve stress. This means you will also have an upper hand to overcome awkward conversations or situations.

Take note of when you begin to feel uncomfortable, perhaps even vulnerable. Spend time with the feeling and the context at which that emotion arose. Identify the “why” behind the emotion. Validate it.

Next, truly understand why and how the trigger happened. Absorb it. Finally, think about how to gain control of that trigger. Put it into practice.

#3 Stop seeking validation from others

DO NOT seek continuous validation from others. Believe in yourself. Believe in your skills and believe in your core values. When you seek constant validation, it sends a message to others that you are uncomfortable with who you are, what you stand for and what you do.

Placing yourself in a position of constant validation also shows others that you may fear how they judge you or the way you complete your goals. People sense that and those who have other agendas that are not particularly to empower will use it against you.

Trust that you are unique and that you bring value to every relationship, whether that is in your personal or professional interactions. Now, I am not saying that seeking validation once in a while is a bad step.

Seeking input is always helpful and should be considered. But there is a fine point where you can begin losing confidence in yourself when others provide too much input on something you are doing, especially if that special project means alot to you.

Yes, validation feels good, it feeds the soul and your confidence. But be smart on how and when you seek validation… and to who you seek it from.

Validation versus Personality Styles

It’s also important to note that some people may not provide validation in the form you’d like. This does not mean that you are not doing a good job at whatever it is that you’re doing. It means that it is possible that some people will not say anything if you ARE doing a good job. This is their way of validating you.

If you are certain of how well you’re doing, then that is all of the validation you truly need. Yassss girl! Yaaassss.

Learn to Self-Validate

To self-validate, look at yourself in the mirror. Tell yourself at least 3 things you feel confident and proud of about completing during that special project. Look into your own eyes and truly mean those 3 things. Let it sink in.

It may feel totally awkward at first and it is a work in progress. Take time to invest in yourself because everything that you do is meaningful and worth it.

#4 Don’t pay attention to socioeconomic statuses or positions at work

That’s right baby! Let me say it again, don’t spend your fuck bucks worrying about socioeconomic statuses or positions of power at work.

You are worth just as much as everyone else around you, and maybe even more. Don’t let flashy lifestyles undermine your frugal or in-progress status. Focus on yourself and your value.

Let me tell you something… no one is perfect AND no one is better than you. Everyone is different and has their own agendas. Everyone also has personal demons no matter how fancy or well-put together they look.

Self-doubt manifests even at the highest authoritative positions

One day I was talking to someone very high in the ladder in my professional community and I learned that he was insecure when seating in board meetings with other leadership because he did not look like the rest of the board, meaning he was darker skinned, dark haired, dark eyed and younger whereas the rest of the attendees were fair skinned, white haired, light eyes and older. Furthermore, he possessed a masters level academic background while his counterparts flashed their doctorate level backgrounds.

Clearly, there was a disconnect at that very moment about how he saw himself in comparison to his counterparts. This was an opportunity to share outside lenses of his position. What I saw was:

Having a masters degree (which many people in our communities have not even achieved) and still having his name on one of those seats. This told me that he was able to apply his knowledge and mastery much sooner than his counterparts and deserved to be in that chair just like every other man at that table.

Being younger yet at the same level as others who probably took them decades to get to where they are now means there is a grit to advance in ways that others cannot compare. Being younger also means understanding different generations and providing a unique viewpoint when making decisions as a board.

Looking different than everyone sitting around you means that you stand out from them and others can see that. In fact without even trying, you give hope to others who can relate to your physical appearance, personal and educational background, and goals.

The point that I am trying to make here is that socioeconomic statuses and positions in general don’t matter. What matters is how you get to where you want to be.

Use your background as a tool for your advantage

Use your position or status in a way that is going to work for you. If this is what makes you different, then offer that uniqueness to others. Refrain from using it to create and maintain tunnel vision of negativity about your ability, grit, and skills.

Let's put this into practice!

On a piece of paper, draw 3 columns. At the very top identify an important goal you are seeking to accomplish. On the left column, jot down your background in a list format. This should include your personal background (your upbringing), professional background, your educational background, etc.

Leave the middle column blank for a moment. On the right column, write what you immediately think of when you reflect on your background. Don’t overthink, just write.

Once you are done with the right column, read it over. Is it positive? Is it negative?

Now go to the middle column. Write positive perks for each background and how it can help you achieve a specific goal you have for yourself. Hold on to those perks and apply it to the process of attaining that goal. Be aware of your power tools.

#5 Beware of your support system

Have you ever been in a situation where perhaps you wanted to try something new and those who you trust or admire the most shot it down? Maybe they discouraged you? Was the worthiness of your idea or your ability to do that “thing” discredited?

If so… how did it feel? What did you do about it?

Many of us in that position would likely shoot down our own interests and goals because we got splashed with a bucket of cold discouragement. We let others take control of our interests and goals. We let others strip away our empowerment to go after what we truly want.

If your support system strips away your encouragement to pursue something you really want to do for yourself and your wellbeing, then you really have to consider whether your support system is, in fact, supportive.

Assess your Support System

Some of us have a wonderful support system but some of us do not. Some of us don’t have one at all. So take a moment to assess what kind of system you do have.

• Who makes up your support system?

• Do they possess the same passion as you on that “something”?

• Do they usually encourage you to be a better version of yourself?

All of these questions can help you put into perspective if your support system is toxic or empowering. If a person you seek support from usually does the opposite of encouraging you, then you really have to be thoughtful of whether that person should be part of your “system”.

A Support System Cleansing Process

You may need to begin a support system cleansing process and weed out those who are not helping you at all. This is not an easy task to do, especially when those persons are immediate family members, partners, best friends, etc.

Cleansing your support system can be painful, let’s be clear. It’s not easy because it involves detaching yourself from others whom you have latched on for years. It may mean parting ways from relationships that mean a lot to you but no longer serving you purpose to where you need to be.

While restructuring your support system is scary, it is important that you stay true to yourself and your goals. Also, it is crucial that you are absolutely sure of what you want. This is a process where you have to be very methodical and your decisions must be solid because once you weed someone out of your system, you might never get them back.

Before you cleanse your support system, make sure that your system’s feedback is actually toxic. Remember, sometimes toxicity is within ourselves and we place it on others because it is easier to do so than to deal with our own personal demons.

When establishing a firm support system, look for people who can share their wisdom of personal experience and those who challenge you to take a path you’ve never taken before.

Having a good mix strengthens your ability to pursue your goals because you will learn more about yourself and the process in your journey. Different outlooks and encouragements will allow you to grow as a person and build trust as well as intuition within yourself.

#6 Keep your goals to yourself

Sharing goals can be a confidence booster in moments of conversation. While talking to others about your future accomplishments, it gives you that thrill of what your future will look like. That thrill feels nice, doesn’t it?

Oversharing goals results in false gratification

But there is a catch to feeling that thrill. Oversharing your goals with everyone means that each time you get a thrill of achieving that goal, you’re actually instilling a sense of false accomplishment towards that goal. Derek Sivers, an American writer, musician, programmer and entrepreneur, shared this concept back in 2010 in a TED Talk.

Putting yourself in the position where you are experiencing the satisfaction of achieving a specific goal when sharing it with others can steer you away from achieving that goal. Flaunting your goals like you have already accomplished them can make you less likely to work steadily for it. And consistency is key when you're trying to build success.

So..don’t talk about it, unless you are working with a mentor or a coach to actually do the "things". The reason this is important is because your goals are personal.

Premature results creates disappointment

Aside from false gratification, if you share them when you are not ready to show results, others may use it against you. Opinions and criticisms may be thrown at you that you may not be ready for or you may experience indifference from others that you did not anticipate at all. All of these factors play a role in discouragement and disappointment, which can deviate you from realizing that dream.

Yes, goals are dreams too. When you start working on your goals, you will begin to craft a plan based on a vision that you have for that goal. When you overshare your goals, that vision can become blurred with opinionated influences.

Don’t let others tell you you can’t do what you set your mind to do. Also, since when were your personal goals up for negotiation?

Your personal goals are personal for a reason -- no one else is YOU. So do yourself a favor and don’t let others tell you who you are and why that goal is not for you. You know yourself best.

Invest in the power of your vision. Imagine how your plan to achieve that goal will manifest in ways. This plan that you create, when in action, will become your mission. Remember that.

Conclusion

Self-doubt can manifest itself in many different ways. It’s important that you dedicate time to learn effective ways that can help you break fears of self-doubt so that you can gain the confidence that you truly deserve. Breaking habits of self-doubt means trusting your personal values, raising your emotional intelligence, and stopping the constant seeking of validation from others.

Breaking fears of self-doubt also includes not paying attention to socioeconomic statuses or position titles at work, being aware of your support system and adjusting it if needed but, ultimately, keeping your goals to yourself. This blog shows you 6 ways to help break your self-doubts.